They say it just happened one day. I was born. With it I suddenly became a physical, natural and legal person, an entity. I became citizen of a country, getting my unique ID number and birth certificate. They wrote down that i was born on November the 9th of 1987. Astrology says that im a scorpio, numerology says im a number 9, chinese say im a rabbit. I couldn't care less at that moment what they were already calling me and attributing with. Makes you wonder, doesn't it - how most of our childhood we don't remember – perhaps it is because we keep memories of pain in our thought patterns, while joy and laughter seem to naturally just come and exist for that moment. Pain needs you to think about it, joy does not.
Anyways, there I was, in Germany. My awareness finally came to life. I was quite clairvoyant as a child, predicting things, expecting them, knowing what people were thinking and answering correctly before they even spoke. The generation of my parents in the family were not religious and for my luck I wasn't forced into that brainwashing. However school forced me to attend religious classes, go to churches and somehow try to brake my spirit. They did not succeed. One of the most important things that I learned as a child was the beauty of difference. I had a group of friends were everyone was completely unique – not only as a character, but we all came from different places. We were from Turkey, Croatia, Germany, Bosnia, Austria, China. I found this to be a very important lesson – I learned to accept and understand different perceptions.
But, life struck me. It seems that everyone goes through the same cycle – at some point in life you will just have to suffer, either by loosing things, or by loosing yourself. The ridicule occurs in both cases and it challenges you in many a way. For me, it was loosing things. I lost my mother and sister in a traffic accident – a truck hit them just few meters from the building we were living in. We were supposed to meet each other sooner and go home together, however I was late. I did not see the actual accident but passed by it few minutes after it happened. So, my father and me remained. I got crumbled, with my spirit broken. I lost all my spiritual capabilities – I became a mindless child, afraid, lost, alone. My father lost his senses pretty much as well. We returned to Croatia.
The following years I would be living with him and his mother, my grandmother. He himself being a difficult child, now became a difficult adult. I was pretty much on my own – having to manage myself and my surroundings. No one cared to ask me how I am, how I feel, what I am about. At school I was laughed at for not speaking perfectly Croatian – my mother language, the country I was born in. They called me a many things and I just was stressed out, day after day. Years passed, I adopted and let myself fall into the school system - I had nothing else in life going on, so I accepted the quests given to me in school. I became a top student, getting best grades, going to competitions, placing first. But, something was missing. I never felt like myself. I was still traumatized. I would run away from girls, fearing that I'd loose them just as I lost my mother and sister. Besides, who was I? What was I? What would such a girl even do with me? I was non-interesting, i was trying to find myself and a meaning to the existence presented to me. I became a deep thinker, a true philosopher – not out of hatred, but of the unlogical surroundings I was presented. Questions arose, answers were searched for. I started to think a lot, write a lot of things down, search for clues and ideas.
However, I still wanted to make my way into society, people and life that was presented to me. I tried to adept really hard but never succeded. I was not a macho guy showing off. I was not the wise guy making fun of everyone for their lack of understanding. I was not the clown doing drugs or drinking myself to death in early ages.
It got me – when I realised that I couldn't find myself in any of those standard roles or norms of people. Every time I'd look at a group of 20-30 people I'd find the same characters in them. For me, I just couldn't fit into that story. I was something different – something else seemed to be waiting for me.
So, by the persistence of my father I got into college – studying civil engineering. Whatever else I presented was not good enough, he wouldn't support it. So I had to accept this and moved to another city where I was to live with him and his new girlfriend and her son. Problems arose as they never were meant for each other and their problems drowned me with them. Empathy for both of them, just as plain human beings, was eating me. The more they argued and the more bad stuff happened, the more I would suffer in the end. I finaly moved out, not by my own initiation, but being forced out by both of them – my own father and her. She wanted me out, as I was too much of positive energy in that surrounding. Eventually they'd marry, fight on their first day again, loose themselves and now argue about divorce, with her trying to get as much money out of it as possible. Sounds like a bad TV series. And yes, it is bad, its just not a TV series.
Moving out, I found myself completely alone. Sure, I'd make friends at the college, but rarily would it became true lasting friendship. It was all situational, for the momentum, for a cause, for the simple share of homeworks or tests. I learned how little humans cared for each other, how little life seems to matter and be a joy. Several times in my existence I was on the edge of deleting myself, however I always kept going on.
My big awakening happened after I stumbled upon Jiddu Krishnamurti, Alan Watts, David Icke, learning tarot, having massive experiences, people following me, approaching to me saying they are masons, etcetera. Listening to a meditative tune, I feel into a perfect trance. First my feelings of myself, my body dissapeared. Then the music dissapeared. And there I was. Going with a stream, a perfect flow. Feeling like home, being welcomed by a voice, but not actualy a voice – more like a message within. And I enjoyed it, it was finaly a feeling of having nothing to worry about. However, the moment my thought patterns started to take over I drifted away – why, what, how? Even though I lost this moment, it remained within me – I can call upon this feeling whenever I want and I learned that it balances me out and may not be abused. Soon after, I stumbled upon the term Kundalini and realised that this might have been it.
With years I started to be allergic to the college, to the people there, to my family. So many bad things in a row happened last, I just couldn't handle it anymore. The more I tried to keep myself refreshed with the energy, the more I would be fatigued over time. I completely lost it – I just dropped one day – what I experienced as death. There I was, not a body, but just was, being there, flying away with an entity that felt so familiar, as a long forgotten old friend. Just as I was to certainly leave for a higher dimension I returned, feeling that something was left behind. I breathed back to life, bearing many a mark of exhaustion and stress. The next couple of months were pure hell – I was shacking several times a day for 20 minutes – not being able to do anything about it. Still today I am weakend by all that happened in my life. However I kept true to my understanding of existence, to the Oneness of us all, searching and preserving the Truth.
I don't know how much more this body will be able to handle – I don't know if I will ever again be able to completely break out of the manipulation that was played upon me. I just know that I can at least try to prepare a better life for the next generations.
In the end, you feel like a flower growing up in the desert. You hold a truth within yourself, a knowledge of empathy, of beauty, of life. And you stand there as an example, as an example of what power life holds – no matter what, it finds a way and goes on.
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